Kinda' tired and no Kinara

Twas the night before Christmas....no, seriously; it's the 24th of December.

I am tired.

I got an email this morning while at work saying there was a comment on a picture from a psychic I posted online. I thought I had received my fair quota of comments from psychics passing by the public webpage, but apparently there is no hard and fast rule on how much advice can be given...or by whom. I had forgotten (almost) that I had even posted the photo last month while searching for the "why's and whatfor's." I wish there was a "delete picture" button on the webpage....I received confirmation of facts I already know and am not very happy about, but smacking on a smiley face and trying to deal anyways is how I am going about things for now. I did not really need to be reminded I am fighting the Universal Order right now and all I attempt will fail until I give in and stop trying to shove square pegs into round holes; but a shoving I continue to do!

My surgery check up date is fast approaching...seems like it's been longer than six weeks since I went under the knife...I feel pretty good, except for the lethargy...but I am pain free for the first time in years. It's weird not waking up in pain...although I slipped on some ice a week or so ago and fell smack dab on my bum, (yes... post surgical) so I have a nagging lower back pain thing but it's nothing a few Advil every morning can't handle.

It seems turning forty last week had a bigger physical (and mental) impact than I suspected it would. Physical because I am noticing I can not bounce back so quick after a little tumble on ice and mental because my mother decided to "ignore" my birthday. Remember in sixteen candles when Molly Ringwald's character got ditched by her entire family on her 16th...I thought "there's no way a mother would forget a birthday" and I hold firm to my opinion...Alzheimer's aside, I do not think a "clear thinking" mother would forget; so it stands to reason my mother is either not clear thinking or she deliberately failed to call, send a card or email me a "hey, Happy Birthday" but she did. To rub salt in the wound her husband dropped me a facebook note saying "Happy Birthday" so you know ~ they knew. She's miffed because in November I told her off...hey, she was wrong, but I thought she would get over it by now...apparently I expect too much. Our relationship is at risk and courtesies cease if one or the other is honest...oh wait, if I am honest (she can tell me I am wrong all she wants). Be honest, and say it like you see it, and BAM...you're fired for a while. Oh well, at least I did not call her this month and say..."hey, just wanted to let you know I got married" my 20 year old brother took Independence to a whole new level and decided to get married the beginning of December and he called her after the fact...damn...the boy has balls; just sayin.

My boyfriend fixed my car (again)....amazing how I ever got along without him for 40 years. I would have been completely lost this month without his help. Fridge, laptop, heaters, battery, starter, uh...it's been a HELL-OF-A-MONTH and he delt with it all like a champ. He's bummin' this week pretty hard, I have to let him. There's nothing I can say or do to make his Holiday celebration tomorrow "the same" for him and he's a big boy...like he said, if he wanted to be with his family, he could have made that happen by leaving a week or so ago. The best I can do is go about my normal daily life and hope he finds contentment in his. I am pretty sure (and he has reassured me) that we are not to be; so when his health stuff settles, he'll probably leave. It's nice to actually be in love and with your partner in December, all the romantic songs I'll be home for Christmas and All I want for Christmas is you and all the others are kinda' sweet...tear jerking sweet. But it's cool to actually have someone who makes you feel like their presence is the best gift you could get. I feel that way and I am glad he's here; I just wish he felt the same. He says I cry too often and too easily (what's the basis for his comparison I wonder) so I just look away now and brush tears aside without him noticing. Yesterday we were in a store for crying out loud (pun intended) and he said something hurtful and of course I teared up...but I turned my head and brushed it aside and smiled and without skipping a beat went on with life... I do not think he had a clue.

Yes, life is good here. We're just waiting to see. What we're waiting to see...I am not sure, but we're waiting to see.

I broke our Kinara, and I live in the whitest town on the face of the earth...so um... I have to come up with one toot sweet. Wish me luck. Merry Christmas ya'll...I hope Santa brings you your heart's desires. I am feeling rather blessed and pleased with myself... I think it's all the cheery music.

Stupid psychic really did not need to inform me today that my life is in the pits right now....I am aware.